Monday, February 14, 2005

Comfort Zone

Damn zones. I hate them yet I continue to strive for them unbeknownst to myself.

My post yesterday prompted a lot of comments today and some discussion with a dear friend who told me I was in another comfort zone. She is full of wisdom, and wit, sometimes just full of shit, but more often than not, she is dead on center when it comes to me. Damn woman. I often don't know whether to hug her or smack her for making me take a closer look at myself. (I am humbled that you say I have inspired you. You have provided me with insight.)

Busting out of my first comfort zone was a huge process for me. Years in the making. The world now knows this girl can bustamove! However, the nagging doubt of self-worth trailed beside me as my own version of five o'clock shadow.

The next comfort zone I blindly entered, but willingly stayed in, though it scared most of my dearest friends. Flying about with sexual abandonment. Not wanting any emotional connection. Give me sex. No strings attached. In walks Mr. Musician. My first experience after years of...I do not even think there is a word for my life before. Let's continue on. He meanders in giving me what I want at the time, then slowly emerging into a constant. Here I sit, almost two years later, and he is still in my life, while others have fallen by the wayside. Let's not forget my shadow...she's still there as well...just closer to high noon.

My next zone triggered a self-imposed abstinence from sex (praise be for my toys and batteries). Mr. Musician didn't call during this time period. Fate? Possibly. He told me later that during that time he was exploring a relationship. Those small pangs I felt were surely not jealousy. Okay. Maybe a couple of them were. Damn boundaries. Refusal to answer them was my only recourse.

This took me back two steps on my road to the new me. Instead of sliding all the way back to passive, long-suffering, compliant, unassertive, and submissive, I tried turning my thoughts to finding someone with whom I could actually make an emotional connection. Let's stop for a moment flash...this is scary shit to me!! No one knows me better than myself and I know how I get when in a relationship. I give it all...holding nothing back and after being trampled on repeatedly, you get pretty fucking tired of it. hold out even harder the next time. Regroup those emotional ties and hold them like a jealous lover. Are we back to square one? Yep, I do believe we are.

A string of lovers was not what I wanted, tempting as it may be. Being more thoughtful in my process of whom I want to share my body and my sexual being is what I would like. Remember my shadow? She's still there dammit. Even late on a Saturday night sitting in a crowded bar with some of my dearest friends. The litany of body comparisons, witty repartee, glances from men - and at men, wondering where I really fit in with this menagerie of beautiful people. Pretty fucking sad when you have to have a talk with yourself in the bathroom mirror. A girl's gotta do what it takes to fake it til you make it. Footnote - when having a conversation with yourself make sure to check for feet under the bathroom stalls. Don't worry, I had the "all clear".

Mr. Musician is the one man that has been there from the beginning, but there have been other "frequents" recently. Two spring to mind because they are ones I focused on outside of Mr. Musician. The first one fuckered up for the last time...the sex was great and the possibility of a slight emotional attachment could have been there. He was thoughtful when with me, but about as reliable as my old car I sold last year. I never knew when I would be left stranded on the side of the road. This past weekend was MY last straw. All of my friends are sitting here going holy shit, really? We'd have told him to bend over and kiss his ass goodbye after the first time.

So what about this other one you speak of? Well, hell, he's half a world away. The irony, which my life is so incredibly fucking full of, is that the possibility of a small emotional attachment is there for both of us now that he is ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DAMN WORLD!!! Does EVERYONE notice the trend here? I am still choosing men that are emotionally unavailable. Fuck me running.

I still have much to learn about myself and the men that I seem to be constantly attracted to. As my dear friend said, I have come a long way baby. I still have a way to go...but go I will. Even though I'm not ready to never answer Mr. Musician's call again...I do wonder if I have the capacity to hold out until he finds his Ms. Right. Especially when I sometimes wonder what that role might actually be like.

Once again, I've become way too serious for my own liking. So I'll end this post with two quizzes from the Master. Target hit, though a little off the bullseye. Good sex is not irrelevant to me!

Your Passion is Orange

Your sex life is driven by your wild fantasies.
For you, sex is a dramatic performance where you are the star.
And you love putting on a wild act for your lover, trying to top last night's show.
Whether you enjoy the actual sex is irrelevant... it's all about putting on a good act!

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad you chose to hug, but I wouldn't have blamed you for the smack. You DO inspire my because you never fail to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and find a better way -- even if that means being really fucking uncomfortable in the journey. Don't blame yourself for resting occasionally in comfort zones as long as you don't sign a longterm lease until you are in one that REALLY fits.

As the former (I think) queen of unavailable men, I finally learned that no matter how hot they are or how perfect they seem, they hurt far more than they are worth. And worse yet, they kept me -- or more accurately I kept myself -- feeling inadequate, unloved, unlovable just plain fucking sad. Silly you thinking I had the world by the string all those years...

I know I can be one pushy bitch and any time you want to smack me you just go ahead, but not too hard, I bruise easily!

Love you sista, now let's get on with it!

4:54 AM  
Blogger ananonymousgirl said...

You know me well enough to realize that the mere thought of me being an inspiration to anyone is mind boggling. If not for the support of friends like you, I wouldn't be able to cope. Even if you do become my mama on occasion ;)

Maybe we should have taken up acting together. We're apparently damn good at it! It hasn't been until recently that you let the "queen" in you show. Fucking idiots didn't know what they hand in their hands when they had you. I'm hoping I don't have to come beat up the one you have now.

Yes, you are a pushy bITCH ;) but damn if I don't love you for it. You push me to think. You push me to learn about myself.

I love you back and it's damn fucking time we both get on with it!!

7:18 AM  
Blogger Master Foley said...

I feel for you, sweetie.

7:27 AM  
Blogger Winning Loser said...

Comming to know yourself and understand not only your strengths but your weaknesses as well is always a hard process. Just coming to discover these things now AG is even worse. I am proud of you for it. Hell I respect your character that you're willing to admit these things about yourself.

Keep it up hon, your strength will prevail and you will find happiness. But it may not be the happiness your seek. I am a little reminded of a chick flick that overall I hated but it had a pretty good message. Under the Tuscan Sun, I was dispointed there were no Tuskan raiders in it but oh well, Diane Lane's character did find her life full of joy and fufillment just not the way she planned. It will happen for you if you keep trying.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Paulie said...

I've been trying all day to come up with something clever and helpful (I'd say "comforting", but that would be trite), but cannot. Admittedly, relationships (dare I say women) and I have been like oil and water.

Here is what people tell me....

Remove yourself from the relationships that don't work; keep looking for you are worth it; eventually it will all work out.

Can't say that I really believe them, but then that's why I think Man invented alcoholic beverages.

Chin up, it's the only way people can see you smile.


10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes you need a mama... one with a big leather whip and hooker boots and fishnets... I digress.

Where is our red carpet ... and Golden Globes and personal trainers and hunky boy toys? Step away Hillary Swank here come the AGs.

11:36 AM  
Blogger ananonymousgirl said...

Heavenly day Manley, that damn movie is one of my all-time favorites! Definite chick flick though...and no raiders. But thanks for the words of encouragement and my character. For too long I lied to myself though the pendulum may have swung the total opposite direction and stuck :) However, I refuse to give up!

Bond boy, praise be for vodka! But, oil and water do mix...pour into a bathtub, add naked bodies...shaken, not stirred. Chin up huh? I'm so damn short if I don't look UP people won't see me smile ;)

Anonymous...purrrrr...I want to play with the whip!!

**strutting our stuff on the red carpet**

12:06 PM  

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